How do I allow myself...to be so fooled. Why do I act so blindly? Am I that niave? Am I just a pawn? Do I not think for myself? I tend to view myself as educated... lately I second guess that. I really am struggling right now. Everytime I turn I just get blindsided. Do I know what I want out of life? I used to think so...I just simply need to be honest with myself...which even my integrity has been challenged lately and that is such a deep blow to me.
I flipped open my bible and the following is what it spoke to me. Such great verses. Proverbs 4:20-27
"My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.
Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.
For they are life to those who find them,
and healing to all their flesh.
Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Put away from you crooked speech,
and put devious talk far from you.
Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet;
then all your ways will be sure,
Do not swerve to the right or the left;
turn your foot away from evil.
I think what I have taken from my time with God lately is that I am too consumed with things that I cant control. I drown in this sea of guilt, doubt, worry, and it isnt intended for me to go there in the first place. I end up off the path and learn things the absolute most difficult way, by either taking my eyes away from the place they should be focused or trying to deal with things on my own terms.Which I have found never works out for me. Why am I so stubborn/hard headed?
PSALMS 25: 16-22
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.
Consider how many are my foes,
and with what violent hatred they hate me.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprighteousness preserve me,
for I wait for you.
Reedem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles.
This is my cry. Why does music speak so much truth? Maybe it breaks down barriers and speaks to us in ways we simply cant explain. Anyways this song is on repeat right now.
Todd Agnew "If I could just sit with You awhile"
'If I could just sit with You awhile, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I am wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You awhile, I need You to hold me
moment by moment, 'till forever passes by'
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Defined
Someone recently asked me to define myself...at the moment I gave some quick and thoughtless answer. Since, I have pondered this open-ended question.
I will start with the immediate response that came from my mouth recently:
Kristen Jordan math teacher to many.
Then, I thought how arrogant and self-righteous of me.
I have thought about the meaning behind a definition and in Webster's words:
Definition-
Act of ascertaining and explaining the signification; a description of a thing by its properties;
an explanation of the meaning
The only true explanation of myself that I have come to terms with is that I am hopelessly lost without the amazing sovereign grace and love of God. Every other explanation or description just seems mute. I am a sinner and the light and only redemption in my world is Jesus dying to save me.
Nothing else fits.
I will start with the immediate response that came from my mouth recently:
Kristen Jordan math teacher to many.
Then, I thought how arrogant and self-righteous of me.
I have thought about the meaning behind a definition and in Webster's words:
Definition-
Act of ascertaining and explaining the signification; a description of a thing by its properties;
an explanation of the meaning
The only true explanation of myself that I have come to terms with is that I am hopelessly lost without the amazing sovereign grace and love of God. Every other explanation or description just seems mute. I am a sinner and the light and only redemption in my world is Jesus dying to save me.
Nothing else fits.
Monday, May 30, 2011
BETTER
I deserve better...
Because I will not lower my standards or be seen as less than a top priority. I believe in love, and well its all or nothing in my book. I want that relationship that people point to and say thats true. I want to know that when things get tough he will stand up and fight for me and with me. I want the guy who knows when to kiss me and tell me everything is going to work out. I want a man who is God centered and passionately pursuing God's will in his life. I have high expectations and its okay for you to not understand or simply walk away...it isnt something I am going to compromise on. Yes, I am going to admit this...I am a hopeless romantic who wants her story to be enduring and grow over time. I want to be that old couple that so many times I have stopped to watch because through it all and over the years they still absolutely adore each other. I want lasting. I want meaningful. I want God centered.
I dont think that I am asking too much...and I know in time the right man will come along.
Joshua Radin
"Well I thank God you came along
But you are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
Its been baiting on today
You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
Today...Today
You are the one
I've been waiting for today."
Because I will not lower my standards or be seen as less than a top priority. I believe in love, and well its all or nothing in my book. I want that relationship that people point to and say thats true. I want to know that when things get tough he will stand up and fight for me and with me. I want the guy who knows when to kiss me and tell me everything is going to work out. I want a man who is God centered and passionately pursuing God's will in his life. I have high expectations and its okay for you to not understand or simply walk away...it isnt something I am going to compromise on. Yes, I am going to admit this...I am a hopeless romantic who wants her story to be enduring and grow over time. I want to be that old couple that so many times I have stopped to watch because through it all and over the years they still absolutely adore each other. I want lasting. I want meaningful. I want God centered.
I dont think that I am asking too much...and I know in time the right man will come along.
Joshua Radin
"Well I thank God you came along
But you are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
Its been baiting on today
You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
Today...Today
You are the one
I've been waiting for today."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I WILL SURVIVE!
This year has been a learning experience from the beginning all the way to the end. I have lived and learned so much in this first year of teaching. I have stories of triumph and failure, of pain and joy, of victories and losses, of fights and peace, of determination and vulnerability...this year has taught me so much about LOVE (and how truly difficult it is to love)...
I love what I do, and I love my students even when I need to vent about the frustrating parts of my job which is all too often (then again to be that frustrated then I must deeply care about the students who enter my classroom). It can be so aggravating to see students' home lives and the obsticles in there way to success. It is frustrating to see their decisions and difficult to deal with their know-it-all attitudes...BUT NONETHELESS I LOVE IT! Every second of my headaches, frustration, worry, and prayer for my students is worth the moment when they see success in my class or see that someone simply believes in them. They light up with pride when they have accomplished the goals set forth in my classroom. I know that I am called to a profession that many criticize and tell me I am crazy for entering...but to make a difference (not matter how small) is enough for me to continue to get out of the bed at 5 am and work around the clock.
This year has been difficult and looking back I dont know how I survived...but I did by the grace of God survive this first year of teaching. I need summer to get here. The next ten school days can not be marked off the calendar fast enough! I am looking forward to some time to unwind from the intensity of this year in school and work on my summer bucket list!
I love what I do, and I love my students even when I need to vent about the frustrating parts of my job which is all too often (then again to be that frustrated then I must deeply care about the students who enter my classroom). It can be so aggravating to see students' home lives and the obsticles in there way to success. It is frustrating to see their decisions and difficult to deal with their know-it-all attitudes...BUT NONETHELESS I LOVE IT! Every second of my headaches, frustration, worry, and prayer for my students is worth the moment when they see success in my class or see that someone simply believes in them. They light up with pride when they have accomplished the goals set forth in my classroom. I know that I am called to a profession that many criticize and tell me I am crazy for entering...but to make a difference (not matter how small) is enough for me to continue to get out of the bed at 5 am and work around the clock.
This year has been difficult and looking back I dont know how I survived...but I did by the grace of God survive this first year of teaching. I need summer to get here. The next ten school days can not be marked off the calendar fast enough! I am looking forward to some time to unwind from the intensity of this year in school and work on my summer bucket list!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Turn! Turn! Turn!
I am learning that life is full of constant change...relationships adapt/change/mature/grow/fade and we cant be creatures of stubborn unwillingness to move an inch...the situations arent always bad and also arent always good...I am learning that you either roll with the punches or get left behind. I look back over the last few years and realize how different my life is than I expected it to be...man God is good and wow the paths I sometimes have taken...it is amazing the lengths He goes to pursue me (I am in awe of a Father's love for his children!).
I am amazed at the simplicity of just taking time to soak up his creation and the effects it has on my mental and spiritual health. He restores my soul and prepares me for the challenges that lay ahead.
So with that...
May I be a woman who is gracious under pressure
May I be a woman of true compassion
May I be a woman who lifts others up
May I be a woman who is humble
May I be a woman who is a Christian role model for my students
May I be a woman who can adjust to life's challenges
May I be a woman who praises You in the midst of the storms
May I be a woman who makes a difference
May I be a woman who simply puts God first
Change is inevitable...being idle accomplishes nothing.
Sorry, these things have just been running around in the maze that fills my head.
I am amazed at the simplicity of just taking time to soak up his creation and the effects it has on my mental and spiritual health. He restores my soul and prepares me for the challenges that lay ahead.
So with that...
May I be a woman who is gracious under pressure
May I be a woman of true compassion
May I be a woman who lifts others up
May I be a woman who is humble
May I be a woman who is a Christian role model for my students
May I be a woman who can adjust to life's challenges
May I be a woman who praises You in the midst of the storms
May I be a woman who makes a difference
May I be a woman who simply puts God first
Change is inevitable...being idle accomplishes nothing.
Sorry, these things have just been running around in the maze that fills my head.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
My soul craves...
My soul craves...to be filled up...to overflow.
It craves hope, change, purpose, passion, mercy, and love. I have come to the conclusion that we will never be satisfied...nor should we be. God created us to be ambitious and gave us the desire to leave this place better than we found it.
I have been reflecting on my past semester...which was by far the thoughest I have ever experienced. There were many moments were I wanted to give up and choose a new profession...thats what you get when you attempt to handle everything on your own.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverence the race marked for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scourning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
-Hebrews 12:1-3
GOD LOVES MESSED UP PEOPLE! ( That is such an amazing sign of his mercy and grace!)
All I need to say about this semester is, "Forgive Me."
How have I doubted you? How have I let others get to me spiritually? Why have I been so blind? I have shut you out while all the time you have been pursuing me. Your grace is sufficient - I cant thank you enough. I have fallen into the trap Satan places directly in front of us. I have not been the best teacher, coach, friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, or grand daughter I can be lately because I lost my balance.
This semester feels like it has been an epic fail in some ways, and I have to learn from my mistakes. I am so used to success and this semester absolutely frustrated me. I feel as if this system beat me down mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. For a while I have tried to understand this semester and have resented God for making it so difficult, and then I gained some much needed perspective while reading.
"You can spend your whole life trying to become what your soul longs for without God. You might resent him that he's made it hard for you to live out your dreams or fulfill your destiny. It's never quite hit you that it's in the struggle, in the process, even in the search for God, that He is making you strong enough to take flight." - Erwin Raphael McManus
These words resound in truth.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
- James 1:2-4
The thing God keeps hammering home in my stubborn ways is to have faith and relinquish control and all worry and concerns to him. He afterall is Man enough to handle it (well he is better than man, but you get what I am trying to say!)
I have to say that God has beyond blessed me with the most amazing friends and family who speak truth and encouragement into my life. My family is a rock of unwavering support and love. Morgan well she is always there to listen and just gets what I am and I am not saying. She always asks about my feelings (hahaha) and makes me verbalize which I....well slightly struggle with. She has a beautiful heart and is a humble servant. Ellie is amazing and brings laughter and fun into everything. You never have a dull moment when you are with her. She has tenacity and sassiness. I know she would do anything for me. Felicia always brings truth, impartial advice, and insight into situations. She is incredible, honest and trustworthy. She is truly a wonderful friend. Tay and Maria what can I say about these two...I simply love them both and they always have laughter and such encouraging words. BJ is always there when I am in need of a hug...oh and our life chats aren't too shabby either. Shannon, my adult advice guru, she is so wise and well simply astonishing. She is an amazing woman of God and ballin' campus minister, who is making a difference in the lives of her students. And well then I guess there is that fella by the name of Zeb. He is a great Christian guy who loves his family and helping others. He listens to me...even my complaining about an education system I cant fix and all. He is an extraordinary, thoughtful, and supportive boyfriend. He doesnt back down from an argument (sometimes you just need to argue about any random pointless topic and well he holds his own) and makes me laugh.
So, here's to my peeps (if I had a glass I would make a toast!)...I have the best in the world!
God has brought each of these amazing people into my life and knows the friendship and compassion I need from them. I love each of them and the light they bring into my life.
So, year 2010 has proved to be anything but boring. I have lived, I have learned, and I am thanking God for his unconditional love. God has shown me patience, determination, and persaverance this semester in whole new ways.
The thought I want to end on is this:
If I truly believe you are my strength, my song, my light, and my salvation, then why do I go about trying to do things on my own? I need to realize that I am only empowered by the Holy Spirit who dwells in me. And if I know that my Savior can move mountains then why do I let in Satan and the doubters? I have to be purposeful in keeping God as my leader and the relationship that makes all the difference in my walk and day-to-day life.
I cant make a difference in the lives of my students and others if I cant get my steps in tune with God. I have to push away the enemy and stand with the peace and purpose of God.
It craves hope, change, purpose, passion, mercy, and love. I have come to the conclusion that we will never be satisfied...nor should we be. God created us to be ambitious and gave us the desire to leave this place better than we found it.
I have been reflecting on my past semester...which was by far the thoughest I have ever experienced. There were many moments were I wanted to give up and choose a new profession...thats what you get when you attempt to handle everything on your own.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverence the race marked for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scourning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
-Hebrews 12:1-3
GOD LOVES MESSED UP PEOPLE! ( That is such an amazing sign of his mercy and grace!)
All I need to say about this semester is, "Forgive Me."
How have I doubted you? How have I let others get to me spiritually? Why have I been so blind? I have shut you out while all the time you have been pursuing me. Your grace is sufficient - I cant thank you enough. I have fallen into the trap Satan places directly in front of us. I have not been the best teacher, coach, friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, or grand daughter I can be lately because I lost my balance.
This semester feels like it has been an epic fail in some ways, and I have to learn from my mistakes. I am so used to success and this semester absolutely frustrated me. I feel as if this system beat me down mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. For a while I have tried to understand this semester and have resented God for making it so difficult, and then I gained some much needed perspective while reading.
"You can spend your whole life trying to become what your soul longs for without God. You might resent him that he's made it hard for you to live out your dreams or fulfill your destiny. It's never quite hit you that it's in the struggle, in the process, even in the search for God, that He is making you strong enough to take flight." - Erwin Raphael McManus
These words resound in truth.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
- James 1:2-4
The thing God keeps hammering home in my stubborn ways is to have faith and relinquish control and all worry and concerns to him. He afterall is Man enough to handle it (well he is better than man, but you get what I am trying to say!)
I have to say that God has beyond blessed me with the most amazing friends and family who speak truth and encouragement into my life. My family is a rock of unwavering support and love. Morgan well she is always there to listen and just gets what I am and I am not saying. She always asks about my feelings (hahaha) and makes me verbalize which I....well slightly struggle with. She has a beautiful heart and is a humble servant. Ellie is amazing and brings laughter and fun into everything. You never have a dull moment when you are with her. She has tenacity and sassiness. I know she would do anything for me. Felicia always brings truth, impartial advice, and insight into situations. She is incredible, honest and trustworthy. She is truly a wonderful friend. Tay and Maria what can I say about these two...I simply love them both and they always have laughter and such encouraging words. BJ is always there when I am in need of a hug...oh and our life chats aren't too shabby either. Shannon, my adult advice guru, she is so wise and well simply astonishing. She is an amazing woman of God and ballin' campus minister, who is making a difference in the lives of her students. And well then I guess there is that fella by the name of Zeb. He is a great Christian guy who loves his family and helping others. He listens to me...even my complaining about an education system I cant fix and all. He is an extraordinary, thoughtful, and supportive boyfriend. He doesnt back down from an argument (sometimes you just need to argue about any random pointless topic and well he holds his own) and makes me laugh.
So, here's to my peeps (if I had a glass I would make a toast!)...I have the best in the world!
God has brought each of these amazing people into my life and knows the friendship and compassion I need from them. I love each of them and the light they bring into my life.
So, year 2010 has proved to be anything but boring. I have lived, I have learned, and I am thanking God for his unconditional love. God has shown me patience, determination, and persaverance this semester in whole new ways.
The thought I want to end on is this:
If I truly believe you are my strength, my song, my light, and my salvation, then why do I go about trying to do things on my own? I need to realize that I am only empowered by the Holy Spirit who dwells in me. And if I know that my Savior can move mountains then why do I let in Satan and the doubters? I have to be purposeful in keeping God as my leader and the relationship that makes all the difference in my walk and day-to-day life.
I cant make a difference in the lives of my students and others if I cant get my steps in tune with God. I have to push away the enemy and stand with the peace and purpose of God.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Overwhelmed
I am exhausted. The end.
Jadon Lavik- "Never Alone"
And I am never alone, never forgotten, or an afterthought to you
Oh and I am never alone, not left to my own strength to make it through
He has made with us a promise
Built on the most amazing grace
Found in the childlike surrender
Just the smallest seed of faith
Blessed assurance hopeful future
Peace to calm the mighty storm
When it seems like nobody else cares
Yes my God he will be there
And I am never alone, never forgotten, or an afterthought to you
Oh and I am never alone, not left to my own strength to make it through
And I will never have to fear my God is here right here
Spoken words of truth from the God that never fails you
Jadon Lavik- "Never Alone"
And I am never alone, never forgotten, or an afterthought to you
Oh and I am never alone, not left to my own strength to make it through
He has made with us a promise
Built on the most amazing grace
Found in the childlike surrender
Just the smallest seed of faith
Blessed assurance hopeful future
Peace to calm the mighty storm
When it seems like nobody else cares
Yes my God he will be there
And I am never alone, never forgotten, or an afterthought to you
Oh and I am never alone, not left to my own strength to make it through
And I will never have to fear my God is here right here
Spoken words of truth from the God that never fails you
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