Reliance

I find myself very alone these days. It is so true that the only thing you can count on in this world is your relationship with God. I am thankful that He reminds me that He will always be there even chase after me when it is needed. He is so gracious and good. He is the one thing I can completely rely on. Thankful for that steadiness. 

Where you stand....

It is nice to know where you stand...the reality is now you know how much you mean to someone whether it be good or bad. You know. I mean it is blindsiding, but at the same time you also have seen it coming...that gap between you growing ever wider. Nonetheless, it hurts.

Lately...

Lately, I hate to admit...that I have struggled with so much. I rest in the fact that I know God never leaves me and that His grace is sufficient...still there are points when I lose sight of that or I simply forget. I have felt so isolated lately...which leads me to further reliance on Him. I am reminded that he is the sole rock I can rest upon. He is the only one who brings me peace.

I have been studying/working my way slowly through the Old Testament lately. God is revealing not only his nature/character to me but opening my eyes to passages and verses that previously did not seem to hold much meaning to me. I love to see my relationship with God growing and my faith deepening. It is amazing to see Gods personality reflected in his creation. I am so thankful that he has pursued me even with my many flaws.

 A song that spoken to my heart is Big Daddy Weave's Redeemed.

Lyrics:
Seems like all I could see was the struggle 
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past 
Bound up in shackles of all my failures 
Wondering how long is this gonna last 
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son 
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won" 


I am redeemed, You set me free 
So I'll shake off these heavy chains 
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed 


All my life I have been called unworthy 
Named by the voice of my shame and regret 
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head" 
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet 


I am redeemed, You set me free 
So I'll shake off these heavy chains 
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be 


Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me 
'Cause his day is long dead and gone 
Because I've got a new name, a new life, 
I'm not the same 
And a hope that will carry me home 


I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away ever stain, yeah I'm not who I used to be
Oh God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be


'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed


Amen! So thankful for his unending love and his forgiveness!

To be...

One of my favorite quotes is, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."-Ghandi Just questioning myself on how well I epitomize what I long to be...Someone who makes a difference. Am I making impact in the lives God has surrounded me with? This is simply what is on my mind tonight.

Refresh my soul

This week I have taken time to slow down my pace and just hang with the family. I needed this time to dig into the word and recharge my battery. I have been running on fumes of late...life just has a way of beating you down. Anyways, the timing was perfect for this much needed retreat from the norm. I feel rejuvenated and ready for the though weeks ahead with the spring fever of students leading to nothing shy of apathy.

It has been a long semester, but God teaches so much in the lengthy stretches of my life. I have been consumed with some things that God should have had all along. So, I will be vigilant and content in giving my worries to God. He knows best.

Phillipians 4:6

My help comes from the Lord. He remains faithful always. Praise the Lord. Oh my soul!

Oh, so much is said in this perfect silence...

When there is nothing left but the absence of noise...you have time to think and search your soul. The lack of communication brings with it it's own understanding. I tire of the feeling that I am some insignificant person. So, I am left with no doubt in the deafening silence I have found of late. Things have been clearly defined even with the lack of definition. I took it to the point that I put everything on the line and well it didn't go as planned. That's all I can do. Wow, disappointment hurts.

http://instagr.am/p/ITJ2BogbZ0/

Words are cheap, actions are where value can be found.

When you're needing your space to do some navigating...

I have so much to learn.

I spent today just laying in my bed thinking and reflecting. I am just trying to be a woman who seeks God for all my answers and giving my worries completely over to Him...not so easy for me. Clearly, I feel I need control and clearly that hasn't worked for me in the past. ( you think I would learn from that!) I personally took a risk recently that is totally outside of my box and let a wall down...to my surprise I have survived and even without knowing the outcome there is something freeing in sharing a part of me that so few see. I am such a guarded person.

I know that God knows what lies ahead for me, and I must rest in the reassurance that he is the best captain to look to when I need to navigate this life.

Brutal Honesty

I was recently informed of the lack of communication skills I have. I am totally aware of my inability to put words to my feelings. I am difficult to pull info from on anything personal and not the best at vocalizing what is going on in my head or heart. I dont really know why I shy away from opening myself up to others...but what I did not see was the frustration and angst people have with this shortcoming in my personality. Sometimes friends just hit you in the face with criticism that is brutal and stings. When this does occur you just are left saying, "WOW...dont spare any of your true feelings." It just leaves you trying to figure out if they were trying to honestly give you constructive criticism which is needed...maybe not in such a blunt way. So, I clearly know what self-help book to purchase first this year...(Expressing Your Feelings For Dummies)!

In with the new!

As, I look back on my year and well time in general...I am always caught off guard by how different things were just a year ago. Change is constant which is ironic in its consistent unpredictability...nonetheless it is a steady trend.

I have realized lately how different my goals and aspirations were just a few years back. My priorities have greatly realigned themselves (for the absolute better!) The things I find important and the things I want out of life are not what they once were. This isn't a shocking or unique circumstance that is selective to me individually, but I find it intriguing to reflect on. People change and grow...some relationships grow apart and some together, some goals grow less important while others take center stage...It is just reality.

My resolution for 2012 is to continue to grow spiritually and see the fruit of that in my life. So, here is to the new year and all its possibilities!

You're the only one who brings me peace...

So many days lately, I have felt like a raft caught out to drift in the vast ocean. Lost without anyone realizing it. Life is full of furry, and it can pound relentlessly across the deck...forcing me to just hold on. I have felt a lack of control over whats going on and even my emotions and responses to the situations. Part of me is realizing that some let downs and situations just keep knocking me down, which is just making me numb or hardening my heart. This is simply something I must be vigilant guard against.I need to be purposeful in spending more time in the word...soaking up all the healing and fortitude it provides me. God's mercies and graces overwhelm me.

Life is full of turbulence, but peace will never be a reality in this world. Peace is found in the midst of these bumps in the road. Faith doesn't eliminate the darkness; it gives us something to cling to. Peace is found within. We as Christians often head straight into the fire and difficulties of this life, the difference is we are armed with the light and promises of God. One of which is peace.

United Pursuit Band- "Running in Circles"

"I'm so forgetful, but You always remind me

You're the only one who brings me peace

You're the only one who brings me peace

So I come, Lord I come I come, Lord I come

To tell you I love you

To tell you I need you

To tell you there's no better place for me than in your arms

To tell you I'm sorry

For running in circles

For placing my focus on the waves, not on your face

You're the only one who brings me peace

You're the only one who brings me peace

In the storm In the storm"

To walk away from something you love....

Today just sucked.

I had to make a tough decision...to stand up for myself or to continue to just be undermined/challenged and disrespected at every opportunity.

I chose the first, and in doing so, lost something I love.

Hopefully, I will get that dream back one day.

Disappointment

"There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

People can be just crappy.

Of course, this is because we are imperfect beings who, even when attempting to follow the lead of the one and only example of perfection, fall way short of the mark...I mean we aren't even close. We fail epically.

I just want more from people...

I know that the only one who I can 100% count on all the time is God. God showed us a love that transcends all understanding. We must shine this light to the world and be better friends, neighbors, sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, co-workers...people.

The world will know us by our love. We have to be the example of loving unconditionally so that we can spread the Gospel.

His Love Endures Forever.

Psalms 136

Pig-Pen.He was just misunderstood....

So, this morning the sermon at church was on "Is Jesus being made known by our existence?"

Are we shining the light of Christ through our words and actions?

As the preacher began his sermon...I wondered how he was going to take a topic that is common and make it new or fresh. He is working on a series title "Disciple" and it is a deep look at what a true follower of Jesus looks like.

He began with a visual analogy that I absolutely loved immediately. It was simply a new twist on a perspective that hit me in the middle of his sermon, and which I still am churning around in my brain.

He said this, "The apostles where in his midst and followed and studied Jesus closely. They followed him so much that they were covered in his dust, consumed in his teachings and his work."

I in my mind immediately equated this with Pig-Pen, the wonderful Peanuts character. Pig-Pen was depicted as a boy who was always consumed by a cloud of dust.

Then my mind skipped around to the notation and idea of how awesome it would be to be covered in the dust of Jesus Christ. Then, I thought back to my experiences in serving God's Kingdom. This idea struck me...we often find ourselves covered in sweat, dirt, and even tears when doing Kingdom work. I remember coming back to the mission house in Guatemala daily covered in dirt...so much so that my feet did not look as if they would ever be fully clean again. Maybe this is the picture of Jesus and his apostles that I needed to fully comprehend today.

So, my point I guess is that service in the name of Jesus comes with dust and dirt.

Jesus even uses mud to heal a blind man in John chapter 9. So maybe Pig-pen was just misunderstood in the Peanuts comic strip. He took a lot of ridicule for being dirty and this is the plight of the true radical Christian who is seeking to follow Jesus.

In my walk and service I should look like Pig-Pen....to be completely covered in the dust of Jesus' work. In the comic strip at one point Pig-Pen cleans up for a party and no one recognizes him...so let that be my prayer that I am not recognized when I am not covered in the work of the Lord. Let my actions and words shine the light of Jesus!

Jesus said, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few." - Luke 10:2

Impact

Today was a good day...in the midst of the crazy school day one simple discussion with a student confirmed my reason for being an educator.

Charles called across the hallway to me as I was headed to take my place in the hall for lunch duty. "Ms. Jordan...." and I simply responded with, "Charles how are you?" I was completely unaware of what would be the answer to this question. This goofy grin appeared on his face. He said, "Ms. Jordan do you know that today is a month since school started?" I responded with a quick yes, and thinking to myself of course I know exactly how long it had been and wondering at the same time what point he was trying to make. He then said, "I have not been in trouble once this year and this has been the longest I have ever went in school at any level without being suspended. You taught me so much last year. I have a 110 in Geometry because of you." Talk about catch me off guard.

So a little of the back story, Charles had me last year and he isnt exaggerating with the fact that he constantly found trouble. I pulled Charles aside one afternoon and simply asked him what he wanted out of life and high school, what his goals were after he graduated. He told me he wasnt sure and that he hadnt given it much thought. It didnt matter he would probably drop out. I had no idea that day the impact I was making by simply showing interest in his life. He suddenly changed his work ethic in my class, not complete perfection, but he pulled it together and passed my class. He wasnt suddenly an angel or a perfectly behaved student, but I saw progress.

Before today...Charles had said hello or waved at me in passing in the hallway but that is not uncommon from my students. It shocked me the excitement and pride he had in himself. He shows only this tough exterior, and suddenly his punk rock bad boy image complete with anarchy symbol earings melted away and he showed me simply himself. His pride and new found success looked so good on him...he just had a joy that I never got a glimpse of before today.

This and soley this is why I want to teach....It isnt about Algebra that is for sure.

I thank God for showing me how he works daily and the impact my every movement and discussion can have on those around me. I pray that Charles doesnt lose that self-worth and pride, and that I or others can continue to push him to see his potential.

The things I can not control and the things I can....

How do I allow myself...to be so fooled. Why do I act so blindly? Am I that niave? Am I just a pawn? Do I not think for myself? I tend to view myself as educated... lately I second guess that. I really am struggling right now. Everytime I turn I just get blindsided. Do I know what I want out of life? I used to think so...I just simply need to be honest with myself...which even my integrity has been challenged lately and that is such a deep blow to me.

I flipped open my bible and the following is what it spoke to me. Such great verses. Proverbs 4:20-27

"My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.
Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.
For they are life to those who find them,
and healing to all their flesh.
Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
Put away from you crooked speech,
and put devious talk far from you.
Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet;
then all your ways will be sure,
Do not swerve to the right or the left;
turn your foot away from evil.


I think what I have taken from my time with God lately is that I am too consumed with things that I cant control. I drown in this sea of guilt, doubt, worry, and it isnt intended for me to go there in the first place. I end up off the path and learn things the absolute most difficult way, by either taking my eyes away from the place they should be focused or trying to deal with things on my own terms.Which I have found never works out for me. Why am I so stubborn/hard headed?


PSALMS 25: 16-22
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.

Consider how many are my foes,
and with what violent hatred they hate me.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprighteousness preserve me,
for I wait for you.

Reedem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles.

This is my cry. Why does music speak so much truth? Maybe it breaks down barriers and speaks to us in ways we simply cant explain. Anyways this song is on repeat right now.

Todd Agnew "If I could just sit with You awhile"

'If I could just sit with You awhile, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I am wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You awhile, I need You to hold me
moment by moment, 'till forever passes by'

Defined

Someone recently asked me to define myself...at the moment I gave some quick and thoughtless answer. Since, I have pondered this open-ended question.

I will start with the immediate response that came from my mouth recently:
Kristen Jordan math teacher to many.
Then, I thought how arrogant and self-righteous of me.

I have thought about the meaning behind a definition and in Webster's words:
Definition-
Act of ascertaining and explaining the signification; a description of a thing by its properties;
an explanation of the meaning

The only true explanation of myself that I have come to terms with is that I am hopelessly lost without the amazing sovereign grace and love of God. Every other explanation or description just seems mute. I am a sinner and the light and only redemption in my world is Jesus dying to save me.

Nothing else fits.

BETTER

I deserve better...
Because I will not lower my standards or be seen as less than a top priority. I believe in love, and well its all or nothing in my book. I want that relationship that people point to and say thats true. I want to know that when things get tough he will stand up and fight for me and with me. I want the guy who knows when to kiss me and tell me everything is going to work out. I want a man who is God centered and passionately pursuing God's will in his life. I have high expectations and its okay for you to not understand or simply walk away...it isnt something I am going to compromise on. Yes, I am going to admit this...I am a hopeless romantic who wants her story to be enduring and grow over time. I want to be that old couple that so many times I have stopped to watch because through it all and over the years they still absolutely adore each other. I want lasting. I want meaningful. I want God centered.

I dont think that I am asking too much...and I know in time the right man will come along.

Joshua Radin

"Well I thank God you came along

But you are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
Its been baiting on today

You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
Today...Today

You are the one
I've been waiting for today."

I WILL SURVIVE!

This year has been a learning experience from the beginning all the way to the end. I have lived and learned so much in this first year of teaching. I have stories of triumph and failure, of pain and joy, of victories and losses, of fights and peace, of determination and vulnerability...this year has taught me so much about LOVE (and how truly difficult it is to love)...

I love what I do, and I love my students even when I need to vent about the frustrating parts of my job which is all too often (then again to be that frustrated then I must deeply care about the students who enter my classroom). It can be so aggravating to see students' home lives and the obsticles in there way to success. It is frustrating to see their decisions and difficult to deal with their know-it-all attitudes...BUT NONETHELESS I LOVE IT! Every second of my headaches, frustration, worry, and prayer for my students is worth the moment when they see success in my class or see that someone simply believes in them. They light up with pride when they have accomplished the goals set forth in my classroom. I know that I am called to a profession that many criticize and tell me I am crazy for entering...but to make a difference (not matter how small) is enough for me to continue to get out of the bed at 5 am and work around the clock.

This year has been difficult and looking back I dont know how I survived...but I did by the grace of God survive this first year of teaching. I need summer to get here. The next ten school days can not be marked off the calendar fast enough! I am looking forward to some time to unwind from the intensity of this year in school and work on my summer bucket list!

Turn! Turn! Turn!

I am learning that life is full of constant change...relationships adapt/change/mature/grow/fade and we cant be creatures of stubborn unwillingness to move an inch...the situations arent always bad and also arent always good...I am learning that you either roll with the punches or get left behind. I look back over the last few years and realize how different my life is than I expected it to be...man God is good and wow the paths I sometimes have taken...it is amazing the lengths He goes to pursue me (I am in awe of a Father's love for his children!).

I am amazed at the simplicity of just taking time to soak up his creation and the effects it has on my mental and spiritual health. He restores my soul and prepares me for the challenges that lay ahead.

So with that...
May I be a woman who is gracious under pressure
May I be a woman of true compassion
May I be a woman who lifts others up
May I be a woman who is humble
May I be a woman who is a Christian role model for my students
May I be a woman who can adjust to life's challenges
May I be a woman who praises You in the midst of the storms
May I be a woman who makes a difference
May I be a woman who simply puts God first

Change is inevitable...being idle accomplishes nothing.

Sorry, these things have just been running around in the maze that fills my head.

My soul craves...

My soul craves...to be filled up...to overflow.
It craves hope, change, purpose, passion, mercy, and love. I have come to the conclusion that we will never be satisfied...nor should we be. God created us to be ambitious and gave us the desire to leave this place better than we found it.

I have been reflecting on my past semester...which was by far the thoughest I have ever experienced. There were many moments were I wanted to give up and choose a new profession...thats what you get when you attempt to handle everything on your own.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverence the race marked for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scourning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
-Hebrews 12:1-3

GOD LOVES MESSED UP PEOPLE! ( That is such an amazing sign of his mercy and grace!)

All I need to say about this semester is, "Forgive Me."

How have I doubted you? How have I let others get to me spiritually? Why have I been so blind? I have shut you out while all the time you have been pursuing me. Your grace is sufficient - I cant thank you enough. I have fallen into the trap Satan places directly in front of us. I have not been the best teacher, coach, friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, or grand daughter I can be lately because I lost my balance.

This semester feels like it has been an epic fail in some ways, and I have to learn from my mistakes. I am so used to success and this semester absolutely frustrated me. I feel as if this system beat me down mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. For a while I have tried to understand this semester and have resented God for making it so difficult, and then I gained some much needed perspective while reading.

"You can spend your whole life trying to become what your soul longs for without God. You might resent him that he's made it hard for you to live out your dreams or fulfill your destiny. It's never quite hit you that it's in the struggle, in the process, even in the search for God, that He is making you strong enough to take flight." - Erwin Raphael McManus

These words resound in truth.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
- James 1:2-4

The thing God keeps hammering home in my stubborn ways is to have faith and relinquish control and all worry and concerns to him. He afterall is Man enough to handle it (well he is better than man, but you get what I am trying to say!)

I have to say that God has beyond blessed me with the most amazing friends and family who speak truth and encouragement into my life. My family is a rock of unwavering support and love. Morgan well she is always there to listen and just gets what I am and I am not saying. She always asks about my feelings (hahaha) and makes me verbalize which I....well slightly struggle with. She has a beautiful heart and is a humble servant. Ellie is amazing and brings laughter and fun into everything. You never have a dull moment when you are with her. She has tenacity and sassiness. I know she would do anything for me. Felicia always brings truth, impartial advice, and insight into situations. She is incredible, honest and trustworthy. She is truly a wonderful friend. Tay and Maria what can I say about these two...I simply love them both and they always have laughter and such encouraging words. BJ is always there when I am in need of a hug...oh and our life chats aren't too shabby either. Shannon, my adult advice guru, she is so wise and well simply astonishing. She is an amazing woman of God and ballin' campus minister, who is making a difference in the lives of her students. And well then I guess there is that fella by the name of Zeb. He is a great Christian guy who loves his family and helping others. He listens to me...even my complaining about an education system I cant fix and all. He is an extraordinary, thoughtful, and supportive boyfriend. He doesnt back down from an argument (sometimes you just need to argue about any random pointless topic and well he holds his own) and makes me laugh.

So, here's to my peeps (if I had a glass I would make a toast!)...I have the best in the world!

God has brought each of these amazing people into my life and knows the friendship and compassion I need from them. I love each of them and the light they bring into my life.

So, year 2010 has proved to be anything but boring. I have lived, I have learned, and I am thanking God for his unconditional love. God has shown me patience, determination, and persaverance this semester in whole new ways.

The thought I want to end on is this:
If I truly believe you are my strength, my song, my light, and my salvation, then why do I go about trying to do things on my own? I need to realize that I am only empowered by the Holy Spirit who dwells in me. And if I know that my Savior can move mountains then why do I let in Satan and the doubters? I have to be purposeful in keeping God as my leader and the relationship that makes all the difference in my walk and day-to-day life.

I cant make a difference in the lives of my students and others if I cant get my steps in tune with God. I have to push away the enemy and stand with the peace and purpose of God.