My soul craves...

My soul craves...to be filled up...to overflow.
It craves hope, change, purpose, passion, mercy, and love. I have come to the conclusion that we will never be satisfied...nor should we be. God created us to be ambitious and gave us the desire to leave this place better than we found it.

I have been reflecting on my past semester...which was by far the thoughest I have ever experienced. There were many moments were I wanted to give up and choose a new profession...thats what you get when you attempt to handle everything on your own.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverence the race marked for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scourning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
-Hebrews 12:1-3

GOD LOVES MESSED UP PEOPLE! ( That is such an amazing sign of his mercy and grace!)

All I need to say about this semester is, "Forgive Me."

How have I doubted you? How have I let others get to me spiritually? Why have I been so blind? I have shut you out while all the time you have been pursuing me. Your grace is sufficient - I cant thank you enough. I have fallen into the trap Satan places directly in front of us. I have not been the best teacher, coach, friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, or grand daughter I can be lately because I lost my balance.

This semester feels like it has been an epic fail in some ways, and I have to learn from my mistakes. I am so used to success and this semester absolutely frustrated me. I feel as if this system beat me down mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. For a while I have tried to understand this semester and have resented God for making it so difficult, and then I gained some much needed perspective while reading.

"You can spend your whole life trying to become what your soul longs for without God. You might resent him that he's made it hard for you to live out your dreams or fulfill your destiny. It's never quite hit you that it's in the struggle, in the process, even in the search for God, that He is making you strong enough to take flight." - Erwin Raphael McManus

These words resound in truth.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
- James 1:2-4

The thing God keeps hammering home in my stubborn ways is to have faith and relinquish control and all worry and concerns to him. He afterall is Man enough to handle it (well he is better than man, but you get what I am trying to say!)

I have to say that God has beyond blessed me with the most amazing friends and family who speak truth and encouragement into my life. My family is a rock of unwavering support and love. Morgan well she is always there to listen and just gets what I am and I am not saying. She always asks about my feelings (hahaha) and makes me verbalize which I....well slightly struggle with. She has a beautiful heart and is a humble servant. Ellie is amazing and brings laughter and fun into everything. You never have a dull moment when you are with her. She has tenacity and sassiness. I know she would do anything for me. Felicia always brings truth, impartial advice, and insight into situations. She is incredible, honest and trustworthy. She is truly a wonderful friend. Tay and Maria what can I say about these two...I simply love them both and they always have laughter and such encouraging words. BJ is always there when I am in need of a hug...oh and our life chats aren't too shabby either. Shannon, my adult advice guru, she is so wise and well simply astonishing. She is an amazing woman of God and ballin' campus minister, who is making a difference in the lives of her students. And well then I guess there is that fella by the name of Zeb. He is a great Christian guy who loves his family and helping others. He listens to me...even my complaining about an education system I cant fix and all. He is an extraordinary, thoughtful, and supportive boyfriend. He doesnt back down from an argument (sometimes you just need to argue about any random pointless topic and well he holds his own) and makes me laugh.

So, here's to my peeps (if I had a glass I would make a toast!)...I have the best in the world!

God has brought each of these amazing people into my life and knows the friendship and compassion I need from them. I love each of them and the light they bring into my life.

So, year 2010 has proved to be anything but boring. I have lived, I have learned, and I am thanking God for his unconditional love. God has shown me patience, determination, and persaverance this semester in whole new ways.

The thought I want to end on is this:
If I truly believe you are my strength, my song, my light, and my salvation, then why do I go about trying to do things on my own? I need to realize that I am only empowered by the Holy Spirit who dwells in me. And if I know that my Savior can move mountains then why do I let in Satan and the doubters? I have to be purposeful in keeping God as my leader and the relationship that makes all the difference in my walk and day-to-day life.

I cant make a difference in the lives of my students and others if I cant get my steps in tune with God. I have to push away the enemy and stand with the peace and purpose of God.

Overwhelmed

I am exhausted. The end.

Jadon Lavik- "Never Alone"

And I am never alone, never forgotten, or an afterthought to you
Oh and I am never alone, not left to my own strength to make it through

He has made with us a promise
Built on the most amazing grace
Found in the childlike surrender
Just the smallest seed of faith
Blessed assurance hopeful future
Peace to calm the mighty storm
When it seems like nobody else cares
Yes my God he will be there

And I am never alone, never forgotten, or an afterthought to you
Oh and I am never alone, not left to my own strength to make it through

And I will never have to fear my God is here right here
Spoken words of truth from the God that never fails you

Why Me?

"I called; you answered, and you came to my rescue..."

These lyrics ring so true...

I am not worthy to call His name much less be forgiven in his sight. I don't deserve His forgiveness yet he offers it freely to me. My trifflin foolish ways are disgusting/despicable in his pure and perfect existence.

His love can not be pirated or reproduced or matched.
I am a sinner falling way short of the Glory of God...yet he took my sins upon the cross and only asks for my faith in him.

My little mind cannot wrap around and comprehend the unending love and existence of this glorious mercy. His Grace is sufficient, because I couldn't possibly ever earn a place in his presence.

So, I wonder, "Who am I?" And I thank God for reaching down and pulling me out of darkness.

But he said to me," My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Cor. 12:9

Lyrics that spoke to me today were "Savior, Please" by Josh Wilson

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends,
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I cant do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me.

Amen!

Just Another Day In Trenches...

I went to worship at BCM Tuesday knowing I just needed that pure worship time, but I was struck by how much meaning Jerrod's talk about the challenges that new college students face and relevance those same words had in my life currently. I mean there are moments in sermons that you feel like God just singled you out, and said hey I am speaking directly to you with this sermon. I know that I have had struggled to see my place in the classroom with the difficulty of my first few weeks. But, God knows exactly how much we can handle and exactly when you need encouragement. Well, he did just that with the words He spoke through Jerrod.

The following verse struck me on Tuesday.

'I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance.' - Revelation 2:2

It may seem simple, but it just dawned on me that God knows my heart and my struggles. He also will never give me more than I can handle. He has called me to be an educator, I am certain of that. I need to be secure in the fact that he will use me where he places me. I have wondered in the past weeks if I was failing the students, because it has been a rocky start with students that have been lost to suspensions. I know too that I am doing all that I can to be effective inside and outside of the classroom. This verse hit me like a brick...persevere, keep fighting the good battle...just because you cant see the value immediately does not mean their is no value in the tasks you have been charged to carry out. I know that where I am weak He is strong...and He will be there to guide me in the direction to take in my job.

'He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.'- Isaiah 40:29-31

Tonight God knew exactly what I needed to hear to lift my spirit and change my perspective. I got a phone call from a friend that I have worked years with. First good news, he was baptized this past weekend...Amen. Second, he has decided to give back to his community through starting a high school tutoring ministry at his church. The tutoring started tonight and he called me so excited to let me know that he was tutoring two of my former students. He asked the students about me, and the student paid me one of the coolest/humbling compliments a teacher can receive. They are twins that I helped and had many conversations with while student teaching. The students told him that, "Ms. Jordan is the only reason we decided to take Calculus in high school. We had decided totally against it, and after long conversations with Ms. Jordan about college and our opportunities we decided to take Calculus." I am speechless....It is amazing to think that you can impact students lives so drastically with helping them pass Algebra 2 with Trig...to deciding to take a Calculus. They also said that we had several meaningful spiritual conversations...It just made my day more than I can express. I just am humbled by God using me in their lives. It makes the rough days seem worth every second.

My friend went on to say that he believes it was no coincidence that we worked together, that I taught these students, that he met these students, that they discussed me, that he is using these students to build a ministry, and that he would love for me to join him in the ministry. It is the work of God that these situations all intersected and it is totally amazing to see how God works through people and makes peoples paths purposefully cross. I am just honored and completely humbled that God chose me to impact these lives...Who am I?

Am I making a difference?

I ask myself daily "Am I making a difference?"

As I walk the halls, I see faces upon faces pass me by and the random shout out, " Hey, Ms. Jordan". I cant help but wonder what will be my impact in the lives of these students. I have to admit that so far I have been nothing short of overwhelmed when it comes to the demands of teaching. I am struggling to keep myself afloat in the sea of paperwork that not only I have to complete, but I must somehow get students to return with parent signatures. I have a million things to finish and well not enough hours in my day to complete even a tenth of those required.

I sit and wonder is this what I went to school for seven years to do. Am I making a positive influence in the lives of students inside and outside of my classroom? I dont mean this like I want to quit or give up on the students...that is exactly opposite of my intension. I teach students who are repeating Algebra for the second if not third time. I am just wondering where is the time to impart the knowledge of mathematics and make connections with students when I am buried in the paperwork required. I am struggling to find the light in the darkness of my students lives and realize the battles they are facing. I am the last hope some of these students have for making it to graduation...but I am struggling just to gain respect from these students who hate the system.

I am accountable for the education of these students in a subject that most people absolutely loath and this task seems so daunting in my third week of teaching. I am struggling to find a way to reach my students because the displine/behavior issues inside and outside of my classroom have hindered any sense of class flow or cohesion. I am constantly dealing with kids who are suspended or in retract...this just puts them further and further behind. I am just frustrated with the difficulty of the balance between those who want to succeed and those who are just causing disruptions which impedes the learning process of all their classmates.

I just want to know that the hours of work, frustration, worry, and prayers will have a positive impact on at least one of the students that come across the threshold of my classroom. I am struggling with the battle to remain positive in a system that so many are bashing. I just want my students to leave my classroom knowing that ... A. I cared about them, B. they should have respect for themselves, C. hardwork and determination will get you far in life, D. be more prepared to meet the demands of society after high school, and maybe just maybe they will be E. Better problem solvers. SO, with that said I have to do my best to focus each day on the fact that TODAY is a new day and that students can suceed TODAY in my classroom, and remain hopeful that I am doing what I set out to do in the first place.

Two quotes that are some of my favorites, and I find helpful in keeping my attitude positive and my strength during the difficult times throughout each day are as follows:

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world."- Ghandi

I have to remember how to measure success which I think Ralph Waldo Emerson sums up perfectly!

"The definition of success- To laugh much; to win the respect of intellegent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...This is to have succeeded."

Let it Be!

So, I am jamming to some Beatles...

I am excited about the fact that I am starting a new chapter in my life...real adulthood. I am officially employed as a teacher at Alma Bryant High School. I dont think it has completely sunk in that I am going to have my own classroom in a few weeks. Let me just say I went to a meeting last week where we discussed retirement...which by the way is so odd and makes you feel really old. So yep, I am now a real life adult!

I am just enjoying my last few days of freedom before the crazy school year begins. I have been supported by so many people during my time in school and throughout this hiring process. I appreciate all those who contributed to my success over the years and helped me get to this point...I am truly lucky!

Sometimes you just got to throw your hand up and testify!

"I called, you answered and you came to my rescue;

and I want to be where you are."
-Came to My Rescue, Hillsong United

This summer has been amazing. God has shown me so much about who he is and who I am in him.

First, I have to say that I never expected camp to be so rewarding. I have had the privilege to work with some amazing people this summer...I cant explain my connection with the CWP staff (We are family.) BJ, Jen, Emily, Matt, Andy, Lisa, Andrea, Hayley, Josh, Kenzie, and Megan...(I know God brought us all together and it was great to scrub toilets, wash dishes, mop, sweep, sing random songs in unison, fry oreos and p-bjs, syncopate all varieties of rhythms on cafeteria tables and even pots and pans, laugh, play, worship and serve with you guys!) The camps have proven to wear out us staff and blessed us each in a unique way. Week one was Momentum kids camp, week 2 was Refuel youth camp #1, week 3 was Refuel youth camp #2, and week 4 was GA camp.

I loved every moment of my experience at Camp Whispering Pines...even in the difficult moments God revealed so much. I have seen lives changed including my own...it is amazing what God can show/teach you when you surround yourself with the beauty of his creation and minimize the distractions in your life.

There are so many great stories and new friendships from my time at CWP this summer. But, the most amazing and humbling expereience God let me be a part of was leading a girl named Gracie through a prayer of salvation. She told me she was too scared the first night to come forward during worship, but she could not stay seated the night she accepted Christ. I can't express in words how I felt during taht service and in that counseling session...the closest I can get is overwhelming joy mixed with the blessing of being allowed to experience the furthering of The Kingdom and the addition of a new name into the book of eternity. Still weeks later I am speechless. The kids camp was exhausting and one of the busiest schedules I have ever worked but worth every second. We had a 120 + kids during the first week. The girls in my cabin were great and leading devotion with them was so fantastic. Those little faces were so hard to say goodbye too...literally we stood by the van for thirty minutes giving hugs and more hugs. Fantastic week other than the fact I was miserably sick Tuesday and Wednesday.

The second camp was our first youth camp of the summer and the MUD ministries team out of Florida joined as staff and led camp with the CWP crew. The MUD team was AMAZING - cool people and so much fun to serve alongside! I was amazed at the instant connection I had with the MUD staff...It felt like I had known some of the mudlets for years. The first camp was only about thirty youth, this however made for a very cool closeknit camp. Some of the worship services during this camp were the most moving. OH!!!...I have failed to mention how completely awesome and talented the MUD worship band is! Each nightthey surprised me with their God given gifts and abilities to truly honor God with their talents! There were many youth saved at the services at Refuel camp #1, but the most moving service was the last night of camp. It was simple and brought worship back to the basics...just an acoustic guitar and lyrics. We changed our worship location from the chapel to the lodge were the only lighting was a fire in the fireplace and a few candles. We worshiped and God's presence was most definitely felt. It still gives me chills. We sang "Jesus Paid It All" and there was just so much emotion in that room. The message that night was simply one question posed by Dan, "What is keeping you from having a deeper relationship or any relationship with God?" We wrote our responses on slips of paper and were given the opportunity to make a decision to let them go and burn the obsticles we had written in the fire. Then Dan opened the floor for people to share what was holding them back...one person after another shared what was going on in their personal lives. It just goes to show that we are all broken and in need of a Savior and his unbounded GRACE. This service was so meaningful to me. Sometimes there is nothing left but to be broken and crying out in awe and admiration to a God that loves beyond what we can comprehend. The worship service left tears rolling down my face and me hugging one of my dearest friends while choking on the words..."Oh, praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead." I am confident it was by far the most intense and moving service for everyone this summer. I praise God for meeting with us in such a personal way that night. I was left with a heavy heart for the teenagers at this camp; their situations and obsticles in their personal lives just broke my heart. One thing resounds, God is always there for us and he can handle it all.

On a lighter note, the talent/lip sync contrest was an absolute blast. Jen and Mason's performance of "Let it Be" from Across the Universe was absolutely hilarious... R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Barbara Ann, Party in the USA (performed by a male camper in a green wig and makeup) and Saddie Hawkins Dance were my favorites. It was a fabulous way to close out Refuel camp.

The third camp was our largest camp and all but maxed out the camp capacity. The youth enjoyed the team competitions which included sloppy olympics, skits, trivia, an insane belly flop competition, camp quest, innertube dodgeball, and an EPIC relay. Daily we had different sessions and classes campers chose to which to participate in such as Question Wrestling. In this session, we talked through and tried to answer questions such as, "If God created us, then who or what created God?" and "If God knows what we are going to do before we do it, do we still have free will?" This class was led by the camp speaker Pastor Matt and Pastor Max. I left the class with some new perspectives on things such as eternity. The camp again saw girls in my cabin and many other youth make decisions about their faith. God used each camp differently to impact the lives of youth from local churches. The one thing that was apparent in the message that week to me was...Find what you are passionate about and then find some way to reach people for Christ or show Christ's love through the talents and gifts God gave us. I hated to see the end of Refuel camp come because it meant we had to say our goodbyes to the MUD staff as they were headed back to Florida to do camps of their own.

Week 4: GA Camp. It started off so well...who knew what was in store for us by Thursday. This was our only camp that really was affected and limited due to rain. We had to juggle activities and roll with things as they came along. This camp focuses on missions and educating girls about missionaries around the world. Wednesday night we had a worship service we had a worship service around the camp fire...I mean come on who doesn't like a fire side sing-along... Most of CWP staff have all served on mission trips, so the camp director asked if we would all share about our experiences. BJ and I tag-teamed the Guat experience and spoke about our opportunity to go abroad. It was a great fire side service but little did we know what we would wake up to the following morning. So in the middle of the night the stomach virus struck like a bandit and had absolutely no mercy... A tenth of the campers were filling the full wrath of the virus. In a few hours, we went from all is well to absolute war on germs.We had to end camp early and send campers packing- we had a germ epidemic on our hands.

Well the incredible CWP family that I spoke of earlier got the delight of cleaning and sanitizing every inch of the dorms... ladies and gentlemen it was not pretty or for the faint of heart. We should have had on full hazmat suits!!! Somehow we all survived the process of cleaning and sanitizing those dorms! Although we may later find out the side effects of inhaling the massive amounts of chemicals we used to scrub the place down! With all of that it was still a good camp and I hated to see it end like that.

This brings me up to the present, which I currently am chillin in

Bham with the parentals getting everything together to move on Saturday. I am still awaiting the final verdict on the whole job thing, but things are looking promising.

This summer has been an adventure that I thank God for. I met amazing new friends, learned so much about God, refocused, shared my faith, poured myself into others and let others pour themselves into my life, furthered friendships, and came away changed.

So, I am just throwing my hand up to testify! GOD IS GOOD!